


Notes to Cas (I love you)

by paigestiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Five Stages of Grief, Grief/Mourning, Grieving Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-13 21:01:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 1,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29782023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paigestiel/pseuds/paigestiel
Summary: Dean starts writing notes to Cas after the empty takes him.~actually seven stages of grief~• Chapters named after the stages
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Comments: 5
Kudos: 19





	1. Denial

**Author's Note:**

> Hey folks! I hope you all enjoy this one :)

~~Dear C~~

Cas,

This is all a joke right? You're not really gone. You're gonna come striding back into the bunker and we'll laugh it all off as some big, fucked up, joke.

It's all a prank. It has to be. ~~You can't just~~ You can't be-

~ ◇ ~

Cas,

Please, this isn't funny anymore. ~~You~~

You can come back now. We defeated Chuck. Everyone is back. It's safe to come back.

Please, Cas

~ ◇ ~

Cas,

Please, ~~I just need y I just~~

Just please come back. I know you're not gone, not really. You wouldn't do that. Not to me. So just come back.

Please

~ ◇ ~

Cas,

I know you're still out there! I don't know why you refuse to come back, everything is okay now.

Everyone is back and Chuck is gone, and hey Jack's God now. 

Why won't you come back? ~~Please come back~~

~ ◇ ~

Cas,

Please just come back, I need you.

You have to come back. You have to.

~ ◇ ~

Cas,

Goddammit was it me? Did I do something? Is it something I did, is that why you won't come back? 

~~I'll do anything to get you back~~


	2. Guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stage 2 of grief, guilt.   
> Dean feels all the guilt

Cas,

 ~~I'm s~~ I should've stopped you. Fuck I should've-

If only I'd-

~ ◇ ~

Cas,

I ~~ne~~ should've known it wasn't Billie. Of course it was Chuck erasing people. I never should've gone to her. I never should've taken you with me. If I'd never-

~ ◇ ~

Cas, 

If only I'd fucking known that it was Chuck, not Billie. She wouldn't have come after us–me. 

If I hadn't- she wouldn't have chased us

Fuck

~ ◇ ~

Cas,

If I had never gone after the wrong person or whatever, you ~~never would've~~ ~~you never~~

It's my fault. You wouldn't have needed to do that if I- If I hadn't been so _stupid_

~ ◇ ~

Cas,

I'm so sorry. Please, you have to know I didn't mean it.

I'm so fucking sorry. 

Please, please I hope you can forgive me.

~ ◇ ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoyed this one!!


	3. Anger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stage 3: anger

Cas,

Fuck fuck fuck

Shit fuck 

Why? Fucking hell

~ ◇ ~

Cas,

Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck! You stupid self-sacrificing bastard! We could've worked it out!! Billie would've died anyway! We just needed to hold off a little longer

You asshole

~ ◇ ~

Cas,

How dare you! How fucking dare you

You have the audacity to think so little of yourself, that sacrificing yourself to save me–

Fuck

~ ◇ ~

Cas,

Fuck you. Fuck you and your stupid sacrifice. 

I don't want it. I don't want it if it means you're gone

Fuck Cas, ~~you can't just~~ you can't just say all that shit and then just go. You can't.

~ ◇ ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoyed this one!!


	4. Bargaining

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stage 4: bargaining

Cas,

I'll do anything. Anything to bring you back.

Fuck I just. I don't know _how_

~ ◇ ~

Cas, 

Sam is looking into some lore. I'm trying to bring you back ~~I'm really trying~~

~ ◇ ~

Cas,

Fuck! Sam's being a bitch, saying there's nothing we can do. Fucking Jack isn't answering any prayers. _**Fuck**_

_I don't know what to do_

~ ◇ ~

Cas,

Demons don't know jack shit. I tried making a deal with them to bring you back, but the fuckers can't do shit about it.

Fuck ~~I'm so~~

I'm not giving up. I'm not giving up on you.

~ ◇ ~

Cas,

Those fucking dicks with wings!! All 'there's nothing to be done' my **ASS**

Screw them

There has to be a way. There has to

~ ◇ ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this one!!


	5. Depression

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stage 5: depression 
> 
> And we all know how good Dean is at this part :')

Cas,

I'm so sorry. Fuck I'm so sorry

I'm sorry I'm sorry im–

~ ◇ ~

Cas,

I miss you do goddamn much. Every day Cas, it just gets worse. Please, I just need you here. With me. 

Come back to me.

~ ◇ ~

Cas,

Did you really mean what you said? ~~That you~~

That you love me? And all those other things... I don't understand. 

I'm none of those things surely. Not without you.

~ ◇ ~

Cas,

Fuck I miss you do much, it _hurts._ I need you Cas. ~~I lo~~

Oh, how could you not have known? How could you think that you could never have what you wanted? That you could never have me? Cas, you idiot, you always did.

~ ◇ ~

Cas,

I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for not saying it. For not having enough courage to say it. You were always so brave. 

You were right though, happiness _is_ in the saying. And I, I have to say it.

Cas, I love you too. 

~ ◇ ~


	6. Acceptance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stage 6: acceptance
> 
> [Just so we're clear this is actually the last stage, but I added a little something for the last chapter :)]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoy this one!!

Dear Cas,

Today I decided to quit. Hunting that is.

I'm just so tired of always looking over my shoulder. ~~I need~~ I deserve a break. Sammy too.

~ ◇ ~

Dear Cas,

Sam and Eileen bought a house! A full on 3-bedroom, white picket fence, picture-perfect home. I'm real happy for them. 

I'm still at the bunker, but I'll be moving out soon too. As soon as I get this application filled out. I'm gonna miss this old place.

I miss you.

~ ◇ ~

Dear Cas,

You won't believe it! I did it! I got the job!!

I did have to change my name, Dean Winchester is still on the FBI Most Wanted list, but I feel real good about this. 

So I guess Henry James is now a Firefighter. Named myself after two real great guys I knew, well I couldn't exactly use your real name could I?

~ ◇ ~

Dear Cas,

First day on the job. Firefighting is actually pretty rough, well the paperwork anyway, I've been saving a lot of folks though. Besides, there's nothing I can't handle.

~ ◇ ~

Dear Cas,

Sammy finally finished law school! I'm so proud of him. My little brother is gonna become a hot shot lawyer! 

Eileen still hunts sometimes, but she's settling down nicely with Sam. Sammy told me he wants to propose to her soon, damn I'm so happy for them.

~ ◇ ~

Dear Cas,

I got my first paycheck today!! God, it feels so good to have _earned_ it. 

As soon as I have enough I'm gonna get my own apartment. Move out of Sam and Eileen's place, kids need their own space. 

~ ◇ ~

Dear Cas,

I finally earned enough money to get my own place. I move in Monday.

I have to admit, the idea of living on my own is scary, but what can you do? 

I wish I could share it with you.

~ ◇ ~

Dear Cas,

Sammy did it! He finally popped the question!! And of course she said yes. God, I'm so happy for those love birds.

Jack still ain't answering any prayers, but I bet he's happy for them too.

~ ◇ ~

Dear Cas,

Today was real hard. I'm off work– vacation- and I just can't stop thinking about you. All the chances we could have had. If only I'd known. 

God, I miss you so much.

I love you

~ ◇ ~

Dear Cas,

I moved in, the place is quite sweet- if not a bit lonely- with 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms and a small living room and kitchen. Kinda looking forward to having my own kitchen. 

I wish you were here to fill the empty spaces though...

I love you

~ ◇ ~


	7. Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here's my added bit to the stages!! :)   
> Because this is spn not real life so...  
> Stage 7: hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my favourite chapter and the main reason for this whole wreck of a fic xx

Dear Cas,

I tried praying again. I really fucking hope prayers can be reached into the empty. 

I hope you know, I love you. 

~ ♡ ~

Dear Cas,

Sam and Eileen are getting married in about a month!! I'm best man, of course and– surprisingly (or not)– Charlie is best woman! 

I wish you could be there

I love you

~ ♡ ~

Dear Cas,

I hate that ~~I'll never~~ I never got to say it. To you directly. 

I hate that you never got to hear it, but I guess that's my fault. You deserved so much better Cas.

I love you

~ ♡ ~

Dear Cas,

I think my praying to Jack non-stop for months finally got to him. He sent us a message, well a bird and a message (I swear all these new God powers are getting abused). Anyways...

He's coming to visit!! I assume for the wedding as he's bringing gifts and that's what's coming up.

~ ♡ ~

Dear Cas,

Sam says Jack told him something exciting, but he 'can't tell me over the phone.' So now I have to take a weekend off for a day trip to see this "exciting news." I'd usually be anxious about this sort of thing, but I don't know. The way the kid sounded...it's kinda got me hoping.

I love you

~ ♡ ~

Dear Cas,

Jack and Sam are still being annoying and vague as fuck about this gift- which is also the exciting news- but I'm on my way to them right now so I'll see soon. 

The only thing Sam let slip was that the gift seems to be a "someone." Man, I'm really hoping here. ~~I'm hoping it's you~~

I guess I'll see tomorrow. Maybe, just maybe, I'll finally get to tell you I love you in person.

~ ♡ ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, I won't say the ending is up for interpretation because that's rude so basically it is Cas and I might do a follow up fic on that...
> 
> Thank you so much if you've read this far!! And thank you to anyone who left kudos or comments, it really motivates me to keep writing <3


End file.
